Why I'm here

"That's not Bec" the voice inside of me screamed, and I retreated back, talked myself back down, "that's not the Bec everyone knows and wants", so I ignore the real Bec in fear of being judged, perplexed by the constant feeling that anything I say or do is the wrong thing. The constant desire to please everyone, the need to make sure that everyone is happy and I have not said anything or done anything to upset anyone before my day can end is excruciatingly painful, but no one wants to see that Bec, so I listen to the "That's not Bec" voice and I put on my mask and pretend everything is fine.

I do things that drain me, I'm exhausted and unhappy? But is that not life? Is it not supposed to be like this? I've had a wake-up call, it shouldn't always feel this dark, and my "happy" should be more than okay, how did I get to the point that okay meant happy for me? Someone recently asked me to think of my day as a battery, you wake up in the morning and you have 100% in your battery, you go to work, or do your normal routine day when you arrive home much is left your battery? I responded 10% or less, I was exhausted and miserable, drained and I had no energy to do anything, all I wanted was to go to bed and it didn't matter if it was a 5-hour or a 13-hour shift or if it was a college day or sometimes it was social commitments. After this person asked me this question I began to think of the things that give me energy and that fuel me, but the desires and dreams that popped up were quickly followed by the voice "that's not Bec". 

There have been many things I've wanted to do but the "That's not Bec" voice creeps in and stops me pursuing some of my desires and dreams. I've conditioned myself into a person, into a life that I'm not sure is for me. The "That's not Bec" box is hiding away the real Bec. So now when I hear the "That's not Bec" voice, I'm no longer placing things in the little box, I'm listening and saying "That is Bec" and slowly becoming the real Bec, the one hidden in that little "that's not Bec" box.

So here I am, finally writing a blog post for my blog, a dream and desire I've had since I was in 2nd year in secondary school but was placed in the "that's not Bec" box. The aim of this blog is for me to share my passions such as beauty and travel but I'm also here to share my story and to bring awareness to issues I'm passionate and help break down some of the stigma surrounding certain topics. I'm here because I want to start living my life for me and doing things I've never felt confident enough to do even though I'm terrified by it. 

I hope you enjoyed my first blog post and enjoy the journey alongside this gal. 

That's not Bec, is Bec

XO.